When I turned 40,
I felt overwhelmed by all those articles that kept popping up on my social-media,
“10 Things to do before you turn 40”, 25 Things to do in your 50’s”, “10 Things
you’ll regret in your 60’s.” Every
decade we cross brings with it this intense desire to re-asses, inventory and evaluate. I had just turned 40 and my personal
inventory was falling short on so many levels.
I was a divorced single mom with a mid-level career and very little
promise of upward mobility. Those lists
were just overwhelming at a time when my future seemed so uncertain.
I tried to take
on my mid-life inventory. Mediocrity surfaced
in most of my thoughts, because I kept judging and comparing my life to
everyone else’s. I felt that my life was
a disaster. I felt like all the dreams I had for myself
had died, and I had done little to keep them alive and to flourish them. One thing is to have someone else step on
your dreams but when those dreams are crushed by your
life choices, there is no one to blame but yourself.
For
years I had put all my time,
my thoughts, my energy, into my daughter and totally neglected myself because
if the focus was on me, it would force me to deal with my emotional health. Being a single mom is not easy,
and most days single mom is a synonym
for exhausted. Shutting off everything
else made it possible to be a “good parent.” Good in the proverbial accepted
self-sacrificing manner that in the end is not good for anyone but the critics. Most days were just dealt as survival
mode. Finally I realized that survival
was fine as a mode, but to just survive was not necessarily a modus vivendi.
I had to start
small, making little changes. I started
going to acupuncture. I was suffering from severe insomnia and the acupuncture
helped. Once I started sleeping better,
I started eating better. I started
exercising. I am not saying that I
became a gym junkie and a vegan, no my changes were small. I was taking it easy, no need to set
unachievable goals that if I did not accomplish would just make me feel worse. I began taking short walks. That led to resuming Yoga, a practice I had
neglected for years. I stopped dating my
food and changing my relationship to it.
I had been overeating because I was not happy and needed to compensate
for my lack of real relationships. For me eating is a way to numb the pain. I
began journaling and that helped me process and feel my sadness. It took time.
The most important
thing I did was to stop comparing myself with everyone around me and understand
that my process is unique. I will always be a work in progress, but I know I am
in a way healthier place to where I was a year
ago. I keep going to acupuncture, I keep exercising and journaling. These are
the ways I take care of myself. Each one of us has to figure out how to take
care of ourselves, realizing that self-love is essential in order to build the
solid ground of self-reliance that will give you a life.
For years I was
waiting for some magical force to lift me up so that I could begin living, a
beautiful blue fairy that would sprinkle me with magic dust and make me happy
and give me the will to chase all my dreams. That magical fairy dust is beyond a
doubt enchanting and wondrous and it’s called self-love. It doesn’t come from a fairy or a partner,
your children, or your friends. It’s
you. You are the magical enchanting blue
fairy.
I’ve had to face
my worst fears, dig deep, rehash things I thought were long buried. It’s all growth. The good thing is that after 40, you know
that growth can be painful, but you do it anyway, you do it with authenticity
and love. You know that there is always
a better/stronger you after the pain.
You honor the process, you honor the pain, and you honor yourself.
